‘Digital Drugs’ and the sad state of TV journalism

Yep, this video is hilarious, and not only because it’s completely out of touch with reality. It’s hilarious because it parodies contemporary journalism better than The Onion or Stephen Colbert could hope to. Here’s why:

  • Several of the people interviewed hadn’t heard of the phenomenon before being interviewed, but got to talk about it on TV anyway.
  • Everyone interviewed came to the conclusion that this “drug” is harmful and will lead to real-world drug use.
  • No context whatsoever given to binaural beats, a technology that dates back to 1839.
  • No explanation about how binaural beats even work. Seriously, at least read the Wikipedia entry.
  • The sentence “I heard it was, like, some weird demons and stuff through a iPod or something” was filmed. At some point the producer decided to include this sentence in the story, and that producer wasn’t working for Comedy Central.

It’s pretty obvious the team behind this story has no idea how to use the Internet, but if you haven’t come to the conclusion check this out:

Yep, that’s right: they’re using IE 6. You can clearly see YouTube telling these people to upgrade or switch their browser, but they don’t know what that means…and are too busy using the amazing power of journalism to rid the web of virtual drugs.

Good job, News 9 Oklahoma City! You’ve demonstrated in three minutes just how close Idiot America‘s come to taking over our lives.

How to stop the internet from mocking your kid

The Internet can be a harsh place, particularly if you’re an eleven-year-old girl with a penchant for talking trash. So if – after your lovely offspring decided to spend 5 minutes of her time cussing out the entire Internet – your address and phone number are leaked onto the web, and you start receiving pizzas and prostitutes at your door, you might think the best thing you could do is wait for your daughter’s harassers to get bored.

You’re wrong. Here’s how to handle the situation:


As you can see, there’s a number of things this father got right here. In summary:

  • Be angry. The only thing the web respects is anger, so it’s important that you not appear too level-headed.
  • Alert the culprits that the authorities are after them. The Internet being a well-regulated place, such threats are extremely credible and will be taken seriously.
  • While you’re at it, be sure to mention the “cyber police.”
  • Throw in some kind of nonsense sentence, such as “the consequences will never be the same.” This will show how angry, and thus how serious a potential threat, you are.

As you can imagine, Jessie’s problems with the Internet stopped after this video was released. Learn from these simple steps and the web will never tease your kid again!

Or you could, you know, make her stop saying stupid stuff on YouTube. If you want. Whatever.