How to stop the internet from mocking your kid

The Internet can be a harsh place, particularly if you’re an eleven-year-old girl with a penchant for talking trash. So if – after your lovely offspring decided to spend 5 minutes of her time cussing out the entire Internet – your address and phone number are leaked onto the web, and you start receiving pizzas and prostitutes at your door, you might think the best thing you could do is wait for your daughter’s harassers to get bored.

You’re wrong. Here’s how to handle the situation:

As you can see, there’s a number of things this father got right here. In summary:

  • Be angry. The only thing the web respects is anger, so it’s important that you not appear too level-headed.
  • Alert the culprits that the authorities are after them. The Internet being a well-regulated place, such threats are extremely credible and will be taken seriously.
  • While you’re at it, be sure to mention the “cyber police.”
  • Throw in some kind of nonsense sentence, such as “the consequences will never be the same.” This will show how angry, and thus how serious a potential threat, you are.

As you can imagine, Jessie’s problems with the Internet stopped after this video was released. Learn from these simple steps and the web will never tease your kid again!

Or you could, you know, make her stop saying stupid stuff on YouTube. If you want. Whatever.