Justin Pot

I’ve been freelancing as a journalist full time for two and a half years now, which feels great. I am occasionally exhausted, and sometimes miss the camaraderie of being on a team, but on the other hand I am no longer miserable. Pros and cons. 

There are all kinds of reasons I was unhappy working full time for a software company. Some of those reasons are specific to the company I was working for—it was becoming increasingly clear that leadership had no vision whatsoever. Mostly, though, the problem was that I despise marketing. Deeply. I felt guilty about the fact that I was working in a marketing department every day. Usually I could push down that guilt and focus on my writing, which was for the most part the kind of helpful technology tutorials I’d spent my career doing. That worked until the monthly marketing meetings. 

There was something about hearing multiple people unironically talk about using data to drive potential customers into a funnel that made me furious. Every single one of these meetings pissed me off. I didn’t want to be inside that system—I wanted to be destroying it. 

I was recently reviewing my journal entries from the time and stumbled upon this list, which I wrote while trying to brainstorm ways to make the meetings less miserable. I think they offer some insight: 

• Taking a walk and listening in, instead of sitting at my desk.
• Taking notes. It’s something to do, at least. 
• Pretend that I’m looking for ways to take this company down and that someone is going to say something damning during this meeting that will help me do that. 
• Focus exclusively on finding nice things to say in the chat. 
• Doing something with my hands, like baking. 
• Giving Mira (my cat) treats for like an hour so she hangs out and purrs.

The gist: I was trying to find small ways to feel more like myself. Taking notes, even if it wasn’t necessary, helped me use my idle journalism skills, which made me feel more comfortable. So did imagining that I was trying to take down the company from inside, even if that wasn’t true. Then there’s walking, baking, and cat petting: I was only able to do any of these things because I was working from home, which I understand is a privilege. Still, they point to me trying to make a situation I knew wasn’t healthy for me a little more bearable. 

I’m writing this today, in part, so I can share these tips about surviving in a situation you despise. Find small way to feel like yourself. Shift your perspective, if you can, even if that means pretending that you’re a spy. It works. 

Ultimately, though, it might not be enough. It wasn’t for me. But I don’t regret trying to make it work, in spite of everything. My days were better because of it. I hope it can help you too.